I have never really tangoed, so to speak, with what many pagans call the dark mother. To me she sounds so ominous, unpredictable, and unnecessarily “too much”. In short, she is the stuff that many a nightmare is made of. At least I thought she was. Fast forward quite a few years and my perspective on this subject, the subject of the dark, foreboding, fearful and freaky aspect of the feminine divine has now been gut wrenchingly twisted on it’s head.
From this my new and ever so slightly informed perspective, I feel her…. I really feel her which in turn dismisses in one fowl swoop those time before now that I thought I felt her. Yes, I feel here but more then that I see her all around me, through open or closed eyes, she is everywhere. At first, the dark mother revealed herself to me through roaring cascade of tears that seemed to go forever and through an erratic beating heart that pounded desperately in my throat and lets not even talk about the deep and churning sense of knowing the griped agonized the very pit of my stomach.
And now, as a result, I can almost taste the change that is slowly and painfully occurring in the deepest darkest recesses of my soul. I taste it’s futile resistance, its misplaced fear, its desire to escape. It fills my mind so much as times that all I want to do is cover my ears with the imagined safety of may own shaking hands so that I may keep my head from feeling as though it will burst from sheer pressure.
Yes, I’ll be the first to admit, this all sounds dreadfully and horribly dramatic. It sounds that way, because it is. This is no small thing, this is not a bad mood or a bad week for that matter. This is not sadness in its common form, this is something entirely different, in fact I’d go as far as to say that this is the staff that real, unbridled, authentic change is made from.
All that aside, the dark mother made her presence known to me today, in a moment where I dared uttered the words… “I am broken”. No sooner had I parted my lips to whisper these painful words and my mouth filled with a sharp blood like metallic taste and I felt that heavy yet welcome hand on my shoulder. But more then that, I felt that there was a place for me, a lesson for me and a powerful enduring force that understood my darkness like no one before her ever did and no one after her ever would.
And there, in that moment ever locked away in a powerful memory, she, in her divine sacred way showed me something extremely valuable, something that I needed to release so that I could grow beyond my comfort level. She showed me, that I have a very nasty habit of dealing my my troubles and their associated emotions as though I were a man and not like the divine sacred priestess that. This fundamental truth has never before found its way into my sphere of consciousness. As soon as I saw it, and understood, I mean really understood. I was then able to see the effects of this newly uncovered issue and they were far reaching, but then again, aren’t all our shadows.
For too long I had mocked those women who cried, who showed what I now understand to be a healthy emotional response to their stresses, worries or concerns. I saw these outward burst of emotion as a sign of weakness. I saw it as embarrassing and unnecessary. I felt ashamed to cry in front of another and I had next to no reason for that feeling.
When I finally let go, FUCK! my poor eyes! Oh how they burned, how they ached as I blinked the pain away as though that was something that was possible to do. It was horrible yet so unbelievably essential to my evolution in that moment. In letting go, I found a piece of myself, and as I reached out and touched the hand of the dark mother, I let go more and more of this male construct that I had for some reason allowed to dictate my emotional responses.
I felt bare, light even. I felt without in the best way possible. And the more I reached outwards the dark mother, the more she lead me to that place where I had hidden all of these beautiful and important fragments of my authentic self. The more I let go, trusted and ultimately owned what I was feeling in its entirety, the more I began to come alive.
It is so true that in the darkness we find ourselves.